Romeo and Juliet - Death scene re-write

I did this for english class. Today I asked the best actor in my school to perform it for my class as Romeo and he agreed the second I said "perform" hehe. My best friend will be playing the part of Juliet, and our very own Obi-chan may play the watch. I'm not sure yet on that one ^_^
Hope you enjoy it.


Original:

Scene 8 - After Paris' has been slain


Romeo:
How oft when men are at the point of death
Have they been merry! which their keepers call
A lightning before death: O, how may I
Call this a lightning?--O my love! my wife!
Death, that hath suck'd the honey of thy breath,
Hath had no power yet upon thy beauty:
Thou art not conquer'd; beauty's ensign yet
Is crimson in thy lips and in thy cheeks,
And death's pale flag is not advanced there.--
Tybalt, liest thou there in thy bloody sheet?
O, what more favour can I do to thee
Than with that hand that cut thy youth in twain
To sunder his that was thine enemy?
Forgive me, cousin!--Ah, dear Juliet,
Why art thou yet so fair? Shall I believe
That unsubstantial death is amorous;
And that the lean abhorred monster keeps
Thee here in dark to be his paramour?
For fear of that I still will stay with thee,
And never from this palace of dim night
Depart again: here, here will I remain
With worms that are thy chambermaids: O, here
Will I set up my everlasting rest;
And shake the yoke of inauspicious stars
From this world-wearied flesh.--Eyes, look your last!
Arms, take your last embrace! and, lips, O you
The doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss
A dateless bargain to engrossing death!--
Come, bitter conduct, come, unsavoury guide!
Thou desperate pilot, now at once run on
The dashing rocks thy sea-sick weary bark!
Here's to my love! [Drinks.]--O true apothecary!
Thy drugs are quick.--Thus with a kiss I die.

[Dies.]


My Version:

Romeo:
How oft when men are at the point of death
Have they been merry! which their keepers call
A lightning before death: O, how may I
Call this a lightning?--O my love! my wife!
Death, that hath suck'd the honey of thy breath,
Hath had no power yet upon thy beauty:
Thou art not conquer'd; beauty's ensign yet
Is crimson in thy lips and in thy cheeks,
And death's pale flag is not advanced there.--
Tybalt, liest thou there in thy bloody sheet?
O, what more favour can I do to thee
Than with that hand that cut thy youth in twain
To sunder his that was thine enemy?
Forgive me, cousin!--Ah, dear Juliet,
Why art thou yet so fair? Shall I believe
That unsubstantial death is amorous;
And that the lean abhorred monster keeps
Thee here in dark to be his paramour?
For fear of that I still will stay with thee,
And never from this palace of dim night
Depart again: here, here will I remain
With worms that are thy chambermaids: O, here
Will I set up my everlasting rest;
And shake the yoke of inauspicious stars
From this world-wearied flesh.--Eyes, look your last!
Arms, take your last embrace! and, lips, O you
The doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss
A dateless bargain to engrossing death!--
Come, bitter conduct, come, unsavoury guide!
Thou desperate pilot, now at once run on
The dashing rocks thy sea-sick weary bark!
Here's to my love! With one last kiss, my love will be sealed upon her lips[Kisses her gently for 5 seconds.]
My lady! She awakens! Oh fair Juliet! [Caps the vial of poison and sets it down.] Oh fair Juilet, how can this be?
I saw you breathless just seconds ago!

Juliet:
O dear Romeo! My father agreed to have me wed Paris! Did the Friar not reach you?
Plotted to fake death to be with you forever, had you no note of this?


Romeo:
Heard of this, I did not. I weep for joy that you are speaking!

Juliet:
The Friar will be near. We must hence, be gone, if we shall be safe.

Romeo:
O my lady, as you wish! We shall hence. But with a kiss upon my lips to thy living beauty. [Kisses her.]

Juliet:
[Giggles quietly and smiles as their lips part.] O Romeo, my lord, we must hence fast.

Romeo:
Where is the Friar?

Watch:
Who is there?

Juliet:
[Whispering.] The watch shall murder thee if thee is found!

Romeo:
[Whispering as well.] We must hence quickly.


[The watchman walks through the door as Romeo and Juliet are leaving.]


Watch:
[Aside.] A Montague!? Thy lady and thy Lord would have my head if I did not slay him!
[Aloud, to Romeo.] Montague! Why doth thee want with this holy land?

Romeo:
I mean not to harm. Only to pay respect to the fair Juliet that hath passed!

Watch:
No! [Draws his sword.] I will slay you for the name of Capulet!

Romeo:
[Dodges and shows Juliet an easy place to hide.] Violence is not the key!

Watch:
Never! [Keeps trying to slay Romeo and then hits him.]

Romeo:
[Falls to the ground.] My lady! I am sorry.

Watch:
[Drops his sword hearing others, and rund off to find them.]

Juliet:
[Comes out of hiding and goes to Romeo.] My lord, Romeo, how doth thee?

Romeo:
[Smiles despite the pain.] All is well if you are here. O my lady Juliet, I do love thee.

Juliet:
[Smiles lightly, but sadly.] Do not speak as if saying Goodbye, we shall get you aid.

Romeo:
[Breathing slowly and eyes are shut.] Kiss me my lady, please my love.

Juliet:
[Kisses him gently, crying.] All is well Romeo.

Romeo:
[Takes a few more breaths.] Thus with a kiss I die.

Juliet:
[Sobs.] Romeo! Awaken! Please my lord!

Romeo:
[No response.]

Juliet:
[Keeps sobbing and looks at the door, hearing the watchmen.] Romeo, my lord. Wait for thee.
[Takes the watchman's sword and plundges it into her heart and falls onto Romeo's dead body.]